One of the guys I had met from Transitional Services when I began working there was a decent enough chap who I saw fairly regularly in the weight room. We always enjoyed chatting and I particularly liked he had no apparent issue with my charge.

The last time we talked he mentioned the place he lived, the honor dorm, and said I should write to get in it when I got out of the program. It was a special place, on the third floor in the education building, so it had a great view of things. Also, it had two day rooms with televisions, one strictly for sports which you could watch any time day or night. The kitchen had two refrigerators, a toaster oven and two microwaves. You could do your own laundry. You could also shower 24/7 in one of two shower rooms, meaning you could shower alone. No more bathing in your underwear! As with the bathrooms, one was for smokers. Although the official rule was no smoking inside a dorm, no one enforced it there. Not that i was a smoker, but it definitely sounded great, and I made a mental note to write and get there as soon as I could.

I was beginning to think about what might be next after the ISOP. I had run into Ms. Sowich a couple of times around campus and she was always pleasant. And yes, I could return to work for her in Transitional Services when I got out. So that would be a big help when that time came.

I was hoping that time might come soon as I was gearing up for my final presentation in group, my Clarification. In it, we recount what happened and why we think we when AWOL. If the counselors and psychologist don’t think we are being truthful or accepting full responsibility, we have to do a redo sometime in the future. I wanted to get it right the first time, complete the program, and get out. To do that, I had to really prepare myself and include all necessary information, all of which we covered in our classes in the various levels. I was finishing up level two, going through the last few modules, so I wanted to be ready for my presentation when the opportunity came. The psychologist was only there one day a week, so presentation times were booked in advance. Plus, the silly tournament put us back a week and there were some summer “games” coming up to further bond us, plus he was planning his vacation. With all these delays, I needed to be ready as soon as I could.

I had learned a great deal since beginning level two. We studied thinking errors, sexual deviance and social norms, core values and beliefs, decision making, understanding and addressing problems, problem solving and finally, cognitive restructuring. Much of the information went right over the heads of many as demonstrated in their discussion of the material, or lack of it. Talk in the dorm confirmed the saying “fake it to make it.” They had no idea of their issues, and/or didn’t want to come to terms with them. I truly never wanted to come back to a place like this let alone offend again, so I wanted to deal with all my issues and figure myself out, then begin anew. This state enforced time out gave me the perfect opportunity to do so. And besides, that was my only job right now.

I had also paid attention to the others doing their final Clarification, what they did, how they said it, and how the counselors and psychologist reacted and quizzed them afterward. There weren’t that many I had seen, as the special Thursday class for it was only people in the final stages getting near to their own presentation, about 10 inmates when I joined. Coupled with the time push backs, we were into August before I got in the group. I had already made my mind up I was typing mine and making it a full report, with cover page and re-entry plan.

Each Clarification was to clarify your abuse, including a short history of your life three to six months before your IO specifying pre-abuse feelings, thoughts and behaviors, family/friend relationships, patterns of behavior and deception, then the same during your offense as well as after it occurred. All told, everyone hearing it would know the hows, whats and whys.

As I worked on the material, old feelings of shame and guilt came back. Why did I think like that? How could I do what I did, especially to my family? How could I ruin everything for something so temporal? How could I ever face people again, let alone put any kind of meaningful life back together?

I battled these thoughts and the depression that came with them, and without the meds that gave me the temporary respite before. Now I turned to my Savior, a lasting solution, one who not only knew my crimes but accepted me, warts and all, because I had confessed and repented from them. It wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t easy, but reading the Bible and remembering things the people in those Bible studies said helped me deal with the reality of my present situation. I was more than my past, and I was able to make a legacy that could outshine any previous misdeeds. That was surely my goal, starting with doing the best job I could on my Clarification.

As on the outside, playing basketball or lifting weights only gives me a temporary diversion. Praying and concentrating on the Truth of Christ gives me more lasting relief, and I have to continually put my mind on Him or it is of no use. I have the proper tools now to deal with the many issues affecting me, both from the program and church, but again it was up to me to use them.

There were so many distractions in here, reasons not to believe, excuses guys used to rationalize their beliefs or behaviors I had to carefully examine, as Romans 12 v 2 says, each and every thought and hold it captive else I would simply be of the world and think as so many in here do. I had done that, thought like others, that I deserve this and that, that it would not hurt anyone but me, and on and on and look where it got me. Now it was time to put my faith in one greater than me, one who could truly control my life for the better and help me begin anew.

I truly felt prepared now for my opportunity – I don’t believe in chances – to present my Clarification, then move on to the next phase of my life inside corrections.